high: 56 / low: 41
recently listened: muñekita - kali uchis
current favorite youtube channel: atrocity guide

happy new year!!!! i have not worked on code in many months. lol i am just depressed... who would've thought that the disability would be disabling... although all things considered i am doing pretty well. i SOMEWHAT felt motivated to pick up old hobbies and things that make me happy, but anhedonia is a bitch and i don't even feel like doing those. but still, i played my violin for the first time in years. i arts-and-crafts'ed a vision board for 2024. i had a breakthrough emdr session where i finally grieved the way i needed to. i have a pretty fantastic job that i can't help but waste time and get paid for it at. i have not had anyone talk to me about the way i dress, or the way i take hour-long lunches everyday... so pretty good? and i know a few coworkers now. can talk to them sometimes. who decided that social skills atrophy? that's super inconvenient. i had a small food-related breakdown a few weeks back but i called my mom and she reassured me. it did make me realize that even though i feel a lot of shame for my diet, i worry about what cashiers think about my groceries, i cringe when i write out my daily meals, i am... not eating all that unhealthily? could be better for sure. i particularly wish i had more variety in my diet, but i'll get there. still though, my blood tests came back basically perfect? which was really fucking unexpected? and even though i'm really skinny, cold and shaky all the time, afraid of food..................... i forget my point. oh yeah! i must be doing something decently if all my vitamins and minerals are accounted for.
anyways... i have been having lots of thoughts re: website design, what i want this site to be for me, etc. i noticed that i wasn't really creating what i wanted to make, but what i wanted other people to see. i still like my layouts a lot! but i'm not totally satisfied with the things i've made. there's something missing. the more i think about social media and how i think people were not meant to have this crazy reach to millions of others at all times. i love computers and the internet, but i have no doubt that it is going to also destroy the earth lol. i had and have a lot of fun online, but i also have seen and experienced some terrible things because of being online. my life would be very very very VERYYYY different if my internet use was even remotely monitored lol. and that's just how it is i guess, for lots of people. i don't think i'm unique in wanting to go back to a much simpler version of the internet/social media, because those are where my happiest memories were made. i'm such a nostalgiahead okay it's a disease. but my point: i think a lot about what my internet presence is and how it is perceived, as well as the legacy i will leave on the internet. at the same time, i worry like crazy about being "found out" or something like that. i don't want to be identifiable at all. and yet i want to talk about myself, my interests, like anyone would. geocities is a good example of the "legacy" idea -- decades later there are web design enthusiasts scouring the web for niche, unseen sites. there is something about reading a stranger from 20 years ago's retelling of their day, their favorite things, and feeling that connection across time and space. it's a really important feeling to me. i want my legacy to be something fun to look back on, where other people like me can discover my blog years and years from now and feel that connection. having a space for myself and the things i like is also really important to me; i've held back from creating shrines and fanpages because i don't want to show too much emotion or passion or.. whatever. i spent a long time suppressing every aspect of my identity to survive and my brain and body will not let me forget it. sooo it's like i'm exercising my "cringe is dead" muscles.
OH MY GOD GUESS WHAT! i saw odd eye circle last month!!!!!! i got the vip ourii package and got to meet + take a picture with the members :) i am ridiculously impatient to get that vip photo back, i can't stop thinking about it. i probably won't shut up about it when i get it back too. the show was fantastic, i had so much fun and met a few nice people! both of the people on either side of me were choerry fans (like me) so we all yelled for her lots it was cute. the covers were such a good idea they killed it!!!! the venue itself was... less than desirable. it seems like across all the US stops, venue staff was just unorganized and... shit. i almost got fucked over for the merch table because when all the vips were just milling about in the lobby area waiting for instructions, they yelled "MERCH LINE STARTS HERE" and jesus christ people moved FAST. i got extremely lucky and was standing right near the beginning of the line and someone graciously let me go in front of them when the line basically formed around me. overall, i am so happy i got to see them again! i'm super broke tho and having a hard time saving ahahaha... ha.... god i need a raise. now that i have gotten all this out of my system, i'm gonna smoke a bowl, close the blinds, and order some food. take care of myself. stop being so emo for no reason jeez. oh i forgot my meds yesterday so that could very well be the reason. eye roll.


high: 91 / low: 63
recently listened: cadillac - victoria monet
last left the house: yesterday

obviously there are not set entry details besides the date and temperature... it's for fun! i'm looking inward a lot recently. i got a cute journaling book with prompts and trackers yesterday. i have not used it though. i have put up more of my posters finally, and i think i like how they look. some keep falling though. -_- i really need more organization stuff though. it feels like my belongings are just kinda haphazardly stowed away in places that were meant to be temporary. i dunno. week was fine. forgot to cook that chicken


high: 78 / low: 56
recently watched: texas chainsaw massacre (2022)
recently listened: colouring - loossemble

here is my first entry on my new blog. wow. i have yet to decide if i want to put my old entries here as well. regardless, the entries descend from newest to oldest. i had a very good therapy session yesterday that made me feel strong. my kitty has been sooo cute lately. tomorrow i start my 3rd week at my new job, and i think it is going very well. except for the fact that we have to wear business casual, and i do not own businessy clothes. i just wear my plain clothes and no one has said anything yet so. plus i see dudes walking around in sneakers and shorts all the time. it's halloween soon but i don't have a costume, i don't really think i'll dress up because i don't have anywhere to be. maybe we will hand out candy since we're in a neighborhood now.
some of the ideas that have been floating around in my head are: creating an extremely thorough custom planner, go through my pcs/md and post some to sell, put up posters in my room, clean my room lol. i hope i remember to cook the chicken i have thawing in the fridge tomorrow. i hope i feel like cooking o_o this week is gonna be good!